Just say "There". An irreverent look at the world of surgery.

Many years ago when I was a surgical resident my advisor, Dr. Ron Bright, taught me a very important lesson. When something goes wrong in surgery, for example you accidentally cut something you should not have, there is a proper way to respond. What you do not do is say “Whoops!”, or “Oh my god!”, or scream some unprofessional expletive. (although one of my former residents claims that the “f” word has hemostatic properties.) What you do is step back from the operating table, look at the patient, and calmly say: “There”.  In this way, you maintain a stable and professional demeanor and maintain what little respect the surgical assistants may still have for you. Saying “There” makes people think you actually meant to do whatever that stupid thing was you did. Of course, after saying “There”, particularly if there is active bleeding or other potentially catastrophic event happening, quickly step back up to the operating table and correct the problem.

Surgeons are very modest people.

In the first blog we talked about Halsted’s principles of surgery. There are a few other principles that should be recognized by all surgeons:

• Do not cut blood vessels that have names.
• Especially do not cut blood vessels that have short names.
• The worst kind of bleeding is that which you can hear.
• Gelfoam is a wonderful hemostatic agent, but it will not stop hemorrhage from the aorta.
• All bleeding eventually stops.
• The incision heals from side to side, not end to end. (courtesy of Dr. George Wilson)
• Do not use retractors that are bigger than the patient. (see Figure 1)
• The only surgeons who do not have complications are those who are dead.
• The surgeon is allowed to sing in the operating room.
• Most surgery is to remove an SBI (“something bad inside”).
• Pour sugar into an open wound, but not salt.
• Do not cut something unless you know what it is.
• When operating on a chicken around lunchtime, do not use electrocautery to control bleeding in muscle tissue.

Figure 1: This chihuahua and this Balfour retractor do not make a good match.